i would normally post this to tumblr now since i've been using that more often but i feel like less people read this and is therefore more like a diary than anything.

i don't know what the fuck i'm supposed to do. i saw something i didn't want to see tonight and i'll never be able to unsee it. whether it meant anything or not, which it probably didn't, is beyond the point. the fact is that i haven't been able to move on from something i should have a year ago. and i'm pissed at myself for that. i really don't even know why i waste my time trying to even be friendly when it clearly isn't being reciprocated in the same way. people will always say "you gotta move on" but the brain is so much more powerful than that and no matter how many times you tell it you have or that you like so and so, it'll always want what it wants until it decides not to anymore. there's nothing you can fucking do and it just makes life grip you by the balls and lead you around hopelessly until it says you're ready to move on. some would say that's God teaching you a lesson but it's really just mother nature being the bitch that she is.

quandry

is it appropriate to simply cut off contact with those who just bullshit you on a daily basis? i want to avoid that but i'm not getting anywhere and only finding excuses at every turn and yet see the exact opposite in plain sight.

humanitarian hypocrisy

i'm posting this here because if I post it to facebook i'll probably piss off more than a few good friends. i do know though that there's at least one person that agrees with me on the matter...

Haiti. it was a horrible thing that happened. and some people who have nothing better to do than to draw attention to themselves said some even worse things about it. i thoroughly believe we should help out if we can but what i don't understand is why, when something like this happens, celebrities are quick to jump on the cause to raise awareness and money. ok poor wording - i understand why and it's good but i guess what i'm getting at is that no one in this country ever seems to do anything in the slightest to solve our own problems first. we collectively piss and moan about how the government is spending so much money and that "we want our money back" and yet no one says anything when we send out money that is, in all likelihood, never coming back to us in the long run.

again, don't get me wrong, i'm all for humanitarian efforts to help out the impoverished, but when we talk about how we're the "richest country in the world" and need to spread the wealth to those who need it, despite our ever increasing debt, and in the same breath shoot down the idea of tax increases for the rich, less taxes for the poor, and universal healthcare in one of the most unevenly balanced societies on Earth, there's just something incredibly hypocritical about that.

some songs just make too much sense.

if we'd only stayed together

i might not have fallen apart

but the words you served destroyed my planet

i stall before i start

i stall before i start anything at all

resolution.

i'm a week late but screw it anyway. if there's one thing i learned last year it's that i shouldn't alway have to be the one reaching out and making plans with people, striving to make things happen. no longer. if you want to hang out with me or do something, awesome. go ahead and call me or text me. make it happen. otherwise i'm not going out of my way. i've made some great friends here but i've also learned that some people can be incredibly toxic whether they know it or not. i would know, i'm guilty of it too. and that can be changed if the friendship is meant to happen, but sometimes people just need to find out the hard way.

same shit different day

there are two phrases i'm sick and tired of hearing:

"you deserve better than this"

"let it go"

more so i'm sick of being in situations that involve me hearing these. because you know, maybe yeah, maybe they both are true and i know they're meant to be encouraging, but for shit's sake why in god's name does it keep happening? it's kind of awful that each time this happens i get more and more numb to dating in general, almost expecting it to be the same cycle, eventually to the point of not feeling anything. am i just perennially attracted to women who are fickle or just don't share the same attraction or even both? is it me? what the hell is so screwed up in my social life that this shit keeps happening over and over and over again??

defeated.

why can't i catch a god damn break...