i would normally post this to tumblr now since i've been using that more often but i feel like less people read this and is therefore more like a diary than anything.

i don't know what the fuck i'm supposed to do. i saw something i didn't want to see tonight and i'll never be able to unsee it. whether it meant anything or not, which it probably didn't, is beyond the point. the fact is that i haven't been able to move on from something i should have a year ago. and i'm pissed at myself for that. i really don't even know why i waste my time trying to even be friendly when it clearly isn't being reciprocated in the same way. people will always say "you gotta move on" but the brain is so much more powerful than that and no matter how many times you tell it you have or that you like so and so, it'll always want what it wants until it decides not to anymore. there's nothing you can fucking do and it just makes life grip you by the balls and lead you around hopelessly until it says you're ready to move on. some would say that's God teaching you a lesson but it's really just mother nature being the bitch that she is.

quandry

is it appropriate to simply cut off contact with those who just bullshit you on a daily basis? i want to avoid that but i'm not getting anywhere and only finding excuses at every turn and yet see the exact opposite in plain sight.

humanitarian hypocrisy

i'm posting this here because if I post it to facebook i'll probably piss off more than a few good friends. i do know though that there's at least one person that agrees with me on the matter...

Haiti. it was a horrible thing that happened. and some people who have nothing better to do than to draw attention to themselves said some even worse things about it. i thoroughly believe we should help out if we can but what i don't understand is why, when something like this happens, celebrities are quick to jump on the cause to raise awareness and money. ok poor wording - i understand why and it's good but i guess what i'm getting at is that no one in this country ever seems to do anything in the slightest to solve our own problems first. we collectively piss and moan about how the government is spending so much money and that "we want our money back" and yet no one says anything when we send out money that is, in all likelihood, never coming back to us in the long run.

again, don't get me wrong, i'm all for humanitarian efforts to help out the impoverished, but when we talk about how we're the "richest country in the world" and need to spread the wealth to those who need it, despite our ever increasing debt, and in the same breath shoot down the idea of tax increases for the rich, less taxes for the poor, and universal healthcare in one of the most unevenly balanced societies on Earth, there's just something incredibly hypocritical about that.

some songs just make too much sense.

if we'd only stayed together

i might not have fallen apart

but the words you served destroyed my planet

i stall before i start

i stall before i start anything at all

resolution.

i'm a week late but screw it anyway. if there's one thing i learned last year it's that i shouldn't alway have to be the one reaching out and making plans with people, striving to make things happen. no longer. if you want to hang out with me or do something, awesome. go ahead and call me or text me. make it happen. otherwise i'm not going out of my way. i've made some great friends here but i've also learned that some people can be incredibly toxic whether they know it or not. i would know, i'm guilty of it too. and that can be changed if the friendship is meant to happen, but sometimes people just need to find out the hard way.

same shit different day

there are two phrases i'm sick and tired of hearing:

"you deserve better than this"

"let it go"

more so i'm sick of being in situations that involve me hearing these. because you know, maybe yeah, maybe they both are true and i know they're meant to be encouraging, but for shit's sake why in god's name does it keep happening? it's kind of awful that each time this happens i get more and more numb to dating in general, almost expecting it to be the same cycle, eventually to the point of not feeling anything. am i just perennially attracted to women who are fickle or just don't share the same attraction or even both? is it me? what the hell is so screwed up in my social life that this shit keeps happening over and over and over again??

defeated.

why can't i catch a god damn break...

december

i like to think of years as races with 12 laps. most of this year i've been bringing up the rear pretty much feeling dead last at many points. i think however with this last lap i could jump all the way to the front and win it all. here's to running down the homestretch with the wind at my back...

National Lampoon's Thanksgiving Vacation

complete with gluing lights to the roof multiple times, sockets not working, fear of a dry turkey, an 8 foot wildfire flame, Up references, and two Discovery channel marathons of Mythbusters and Dirty Jobs my thanksgiving was totally bad ass. i met some awesome people and got to spend some quality time with someone who i never really had the opportunity to do so with, someone who i never knew i had so much in common with, and someone who's super awesome at kidnapping me.

1,001

thomas edison tried 1000 different ways to make a light bulb and failed. he would say that he didn't fail, he just found 1000 different ways not to make a light bulb and one that worked.

here's to my 1,001.

all give, no take.

sometimes i wonder if some things are even worth the effort.

demoralized but looking forward.

i can't understand how some people can be so cut throat and yet be able to rise to a position of power over someone. i am part of a team who is trying our damned near hardest to do well in everything we do, only to be in fear of being fired at the drop of a hat because of someone chomping at the bit to throw us under the bus for no damn reason at all without even being in the same state. i do love the people i work with but when you are forced to live in fear of your job in spite of doing it to the best of your ability there is only one word to describe that...

demoralizing.

i mentioned this word in passing the other day and since then i've heard it countless times over the events of the past week. leaders should be supportive not condescending and if you ever want to get anything productive out of your team with any kind of passion and effort put into it, the last thing you want to do is demoralize them.

i have no voice because i'm still getting over being sick, i'm coughing like a chain smoker whenever i come home, i'm losing sleep because of that, probably keeping up my neighbors, and Safari just crashed on me 3 times in a row and all I want is for Google Chrome to come out on Mac. that last part was a bit random but true nonetheless.

i was even thinking the other day that maybe i should've gotten my masters in something i would actually have fun doing like photography, or special effects, or architecture, or astronomy, something i could actually inject some passion into ideally without having to sidestep my career. although i know ultimately i'll find what i love in student affairs, and if i don't there's always room to change... this as two new job alerts pop up in my gmail notifier.

in short ultimately what I want is to at least feel like i'm on track to a fulfilling life. i do know i am and that whoever is reading this will probably say "of course you'll do great things" (spoiler alert: mom and dad i know that'll be you...) but right now the feeling is

demoralized.



...at least tomorrow the wild rumpus will begin.

new leaf

everything below this is a former me. one who was blind to the world around him. foolishly sure but everyone grows at different times and this has been one of those times for me. things are good, things are right where they should be, and i'm happy for that.

moving on

i fucked up. horribly. like 'i need to drastically change my outlook on life and the way i do things' fucked up. i'm teetering on the edge of losing someone i care a lot about because i'm too much of an idiot to realize the repercussions of my actions, however well-intentioned they may have been. i think though that i finally know the true meaning of the phrase "love is blind." at least for me it means that when you fall in love it puts a blindfold over your face and it's like you're walking through the dark having no god damned clue what you're doing until the one person it matters for rips it off your face at which point it becomes pretty evident. i just hope that whatever is left can be salvaged and rebuilt into a friendship that will last.

current state of affairs

this week is not good. for whatever reason unbeknownst to me, my best friend (or who i thought was anyway and hope still can be) decided to up and forget my existence without warning simply adding insult to the injury of trying to leave my feelings behind. i'm striking out on jobs left and right (save for a shining light in tomorrow's interview that could bode well) and i'm moving out of this place which is always emotional.

i just feel like i need a good friend to have a shoulder for me and the one that i thought i could trust with my life is playing unnecessary and hurtful games with me and it just really really sucks.

i got shit to do...

I'll start this broken heart
I'll fix it up so it will work again
Better than before

Then I'll star in a mystery
A tragic tale of all that's yet to come
With fingers crossed there will be love

But I get carried away
With every day
And every fantasy
The deeper the wound
The harder I swoon
And wish that that was me
With so much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
But I'm getting used to it
You have to get used to it

I'll devise the best disguise
A brand new look and take them by surprise
They'll never guess what's not inside

I'll express myself with ease
With confidence and character complete
With fingers crossed they'll talk to me

But I get carried away
With every page in every magazine
The cheaper the thrill
The deeper I fill my head with blasphemy
With so much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
But I'm getting used to it
You have to get used to it
(So get used to it)

I'll destroy this useless heart
I'll fuck it up so it'll never beat again
Not just for me but for anyone

But I get carried away
With every phrase
And made up malady
The longer I hide
Behind these lies
The more I disintegrate
With so much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
You never get used to it
You just have to live with it

being ignored is awesome.

frustration.

lonesome.

confusion.

anxiousness.

hunger.

finances.

overwhelmed.

unwilling.

happy.

:-)

this song couldn't be any more appropriate

Well, you're just across the street
Looks a mile to my feet
I wanna go to you
Funny how I'm nervous still
I've always been the easy kill
I guess I'll always be

Could it be that everything goes 'round by chance? (chance?)
Or only one way that was always meant to be (be)
You kill me, you always know the perfect thing to say (heeey, and, heeey, and...)
I know what I should do but I just can't walk away

I can picture your face well
From the bar in my hotel
I wish I'd go to you
I'll pick up put down the phone
Like your favorite Heatmeiser song goes
It's just like being alone

Oh god, please don't tell me this has been in vain (vain)
I need answers for all of the waiting I've done means
You kill me, you've got some nerve, but can't face your mistakes (heeey, and...)
I know what I should do but I just can't turn away

So go on love
Leave while there's still hope for escape
Gotta take what you can these days
There's so much ahead
So much regret
I know what you want to say
(Know what you want to say)
I know it but can't help feeling differently
I loved you, I should have said it
Tell me, just what has it ever meant?

I can't help it baby, this is who I am (am)
Sorry, but I can't just go turn off how I feel (feel)
You kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break (heeey, and...)
I know what I should do but I just can't walk away