i would normally post this to tumblr now since i've been using that more often but i feel like less people read this and is therefore more like a diary than anything.

i don't know what the fuck i'm supposed to do. i saw something i didn't want to see tonight and i'll never be able to unsee it. whether it meant anything or not, which it probably didn't, is beyond the point. the fact is that i haven't been able to move on from something i should have a year ago. and i'm pissed at myself for that. i really don't even know why i waste my time trying to even be friendly when it clearly isn't being reciprocated in the same way. people will always say "you gotta move on" but the brain is so much more powerful than that and no matter how many times you tell it you have or that you like so and so, it'll always want what it wants until it decides not to anymore. there's nothing you can fucking do and it just makes life grip you by the balls and lead you around hopelessly until it says you're ready to move on. some would say that's God teaching you a lesson but it's really just mother nature being the bitch that she is.