moving on

i fucked up. horribly. like 'i need to drastically change my outlook on life and the way i do things' fucked up. i'm teetering on the edge of losing someone i care a lot about because i'm too much of an idiot to realize the repercussions of my actions, however well-intentioned they may have been. i think though that i finally know the true meaning of the phrase "love is blind." at least for me it means that when you fall in love it puts a blindfold over your face and it's like you're walking through the dark having no god damned clue what you're doing until the one person it matters for rips it off your face at which point it becomes pretty evident. i just hope that whatever is left can be salvaged and rebuilt into a friendship that will last.

current state of affairs

this week is not good. for whatever reason unbeknownst to me, my best friend (or who i thought was anyway and hope still can be) decided to up and forget my existence without warning simply adding insult to the injury of trying to leave my feelings behind. i'm striking out on jobs left and right (save for a shining light in tomorrow's interview that could bode well) and i'm moving out of this place which is always emotional.

i just feel like i need a good friend to have a shoulder for me and the one that i thought i could trust with my life is playing unnecessary and hurtful games with me and it just really really sucks.

i got shit to do...

I'll start this broken heart
I'll fix it up so it will work again
Better than before

Then I'll star in a mystery
A tragic tale of all that's yet to come
With fingers crossed there will be love

But I get carried away
With every day
And every fantasy
The deeper the wound
The harder I swoon
And wish that that was me
With so much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
But I'm getting used to it
You have to get used to it

I'll devise the best disguise
A brand new look and take them by surprise
They'll never guess what's not inside

I'll express myself with ease
With confidence and character complete
With fingers crossed they'll talk to me

But I get carried away
With every page in every magazine
The cheaper the thrill
The deeper I fill my head with blasphemy
With so much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
But I'm getting used to it
You have to get used to it
(So get used to it)

I'll destroy this useless heart
I'll fuck it up so it'll never beat again
Not just for me but for anyone

But I get carried away
With every phrase
And made up malady
The longer I hide
Behind these lies
The more I disintegrate
With so much to say
But no words to convey
The loneliness building with each passing day
You never get used to it
You just have to live with it

being ignored is awesome.

frustration.

lonesome.

confusion.

anxiousness.

hunger.

finances.

overwhelmed.

unwilling.

happy.

:-)